My breakup with god

It was the coldest winter I can remember, brutal and bitter. My makeshift bedroom was in what would have been the dining room. It was decorated with an old china hutch, someone’s lazy boy, and an extra washing machine. In the house my mom was losing, my temporary in between.

A relationship with a broken boy I had left, and no where to go. I found myself in a depression bed, in a room where you could see your breath. My mom went out on the road looking for love like she always did, cause growin up she never had enough. There were two furnaces in that house, and only one worked. Upstairs you could find warm fingers and toes. My daughters were 4, and I felt good if they felt good.

When I quit that sad city boy, I quit my job too. No money coming in, no use. My car sat in the driveway with a flat tire I couldn’t afford to fix. As I watched the snow fall, all my fuck ups stared back at me through the window. It was bad out there, not as bad as the winter inside, though.

The pipes froze downstairs, and I have never felt water so frigid, sharp like January knives. I washed little socks and flower underwear by hand. Felt like my skin was following that dirt and shame right down the drain. It all hurt like hell, but I did it anyway. The electric dryer and twin laughter were the only things working in that place.

I remember the day my mom left, I was face down in sadness, sheets felt like a straight jacket. She told me to pray, since it always worked for her. She didn’t know, but I had quit prayin years ago. Any faith I had left, followed her right out the door.

I sat criss-cross apple sauce on that oak sheet of ice and closed my eyes. And that’s when I knew what I had to do. Me and god were cuttin ties. I couldn’t wait around for prayers to be answered and the sun to rise. The only way I was gettin up and gettin out, was to realize. I was all I needed, I’d been fightin my whole life.

I rolled up my sleeves, and got straight to work. Those tiny toes and I found our own warmth, in our own home, come spring. I have never been more proud, all thanks to me. Breakin up was easy, cause god didn’t do a damn thing.

Shannon Masayo